We're in good hands ....

De-ringer Pulled My Leg Off

Egg thieves, grouse moors, habitat loss, global warming, Rod Hull - for years birds have had the rough end of the stick when it somes to relations with mankind. And whilst conservation societies, ecologists, naturalists, that woman who feeds the duckies and Johnny Kingdom all do their best for our birds, a new craze is threatening them. A craze that is sure to stop our birds getting their feet on or under our bird tables.

'Johnny Kingdom'

For centuries, birds have been subject to mankind's lust for keeping lists. It was only when the list-keepers started using optics rather than shotguns that the rot really set in. Whilst many of the modern-day lists are a bit of pointless competition, or at worst an all consuming class A habit, in the main the birds are not directly affected other than being a bit embarrassed by all the attention and comments like 'cor - look at the vent on that' and 'piece of shit, looks a bit plastic' and 'OMFL!'. But one branch of list-keeping developed into a more direct hands-on approach; a seedy and secretive sideline called ringing.

'piece of shit'

At first ringers maintained a respectable outward appearance and even claimed to be doing some good for bird conservation, but behind the scenes it was all a sham. After a good all over fondling, each bird had a metal ring closed onto one of its legs. The ring bears a number and each ringed bird became, effectively, someone's property - the property of the ringer. More than just a name on a list, numbered and catalogued like a possession.

'fondling tits'

But recently extremists have broken away from the ringing fraternity and taken this further. Not content with 'owning' their personal collection, some have found a way to steal another mans bird. Once closed, the rings cannot be taken off. At least not off of the leg whilst attached to the bird. And the evidence is that the craze for de-ringing is on the increase. I found this distraught victim yesterday, who did not want to be named. He explained "It started two years ago. I was minding my own business eating some crap on a tip when there was this big bang like and then next thing I knew I was being bundled into a bag and taken off without being able to see anything. Before I knew it some big bloke was feeling me up all over and blowing up my cloaca and chuckling to himself going 'you're my precious now' and then next thing I knew I got this metal thing on me left leg and I'm being thrown out of a window." Bill continued "At first it was a bit odd, but before long I was getting me confidence back and settling back into my routines. Then a couple of months ago I'm back on the tip and it all starts again only this time when I got pulled out the bag this new geezer was like ' Fuck that - I'm having your ring' and he just pulled me bleeding leg off and then stuck a new ring on me right leg. That bloody hurt that did."

'eating crap'

Bill, who did not want to be named.

'another mans ring'

More and more cases are starting to come to light, and normal ringers have been quick to disassociate themselves from this de-ringing fetish. One ringer called Mick who did not want to be named said "honestly, I'd never put my hands on another mans ring. Or pull one off." Meanwhile, for Bill and other victims there is nothing but a life of fear. As Bill said "Everytime I hear a bang now I just think 'shit', what happens if another one of these sadistic bastards gets hold of me? I mean it's hard enough eating crap on a tip on one leg, but doing it with no legs is going to be really tough."

'sadistic bastards'

Bill, looking worried and nervous

McAlpine-gate

I sincerely hope that none of this is defamatory. Any sort of Tory is bad enough, but defamatory is definitely bad. Unless of course you are the one that has been defamed and you are a tory Lord, in which case it can be damned lucrative.

A defamed tory Lord - see how upset he looks

So, through shoddy journalism the BBC reported that bla bla - you all know that bit. Lord McAlpine was not named by Newsnight, but the web went into overdrive and before long his name was being banded about as a candidate. Was this web activity a direct result of the Newsnight report? Maybe not - it appears that McAlpine was named as being linked with such activity much longer ago by Scallywag Magazine in the 90's*, well before shellsuited Saville was posthumously awarded the title of Top Kiddy-fiddler.

Anyone who has been accused of involvement in such abhorrent activity is highly likely to be a bit narked, and McAlpine is no different. And he is now actively ensuring that everyone knows how narked he is by taking legal action and raking in the damages. I note however that he magnanimously agreed a settlement with the BBC of 'just' £185K as he recognises that it will be the licence paying public that pay for this. He is less likley to be so generous to ITV after Schofield proffered a list of names from the web to Camoron live on the This Morning show.

I guess those damages are tax-free? Still - that doesn't matter a jot to McAlpine as he gave up his seat in the Lords in 2010 due to his concerns over plans to force working peers to give up their non-dom tax status, and he did not want to pay full British taxes.*

Is it just me? Seems that McAlpine, upset as he may be, is not going to be as damaged as the people and organisations he is pursuing. Rather, it looks set to be a pre-Christmas tax-free windfall!

Meanwhile, McAlpine is reported to have said of paedophiles "They are quite rightly figures of public hatred - and suddenly to find yourself a figure of public hatred, unjustifiably, is terrifying,"*

How strange for a key Tory figure in the Thatcher years to only now realise that he may have been considered a figure of public hatred ..........

An photographic representation of what figures of public hatred may look like

*Note that I am not a journalist and I have not cross-checked my information with multiple sources - how bloody shoddy is that!

Wax Works

During our grand day out in Landan last week, we visited the world famous original wax works of Madame Tussauds. The family enjoyed it, I endured it. Don't get me wrong; the models etc were good to see in the main (some very lifelike, some a bit crap to be honest) but what really pissed me off was the ridiculous mass of people crammed in - I would rather have been turned away than being hurded and harried all of the way around. Seeing as we used our Merlin passes we didn't need to queue or pay to go in, so I can't really complain.

Anyway, amongst the plethora of film stars, pop stars, sports stars, cultural figures, world leaders, Royal parasites and other famous people, were some very good figures of actors in their recent or famous roles - like:

Hugh Jackman - Wolverine

Samuel L Jackson - Nick Fury

 Johnny Depp - Captain Jack Sparrow

I also hadn't realised that all of the figures are out in the walkways and accessible for photos and interaction ...

 Jonah Lomu blocks Josh

Chezza and Alex

Most of the figures are in themed areas, and in one area I could only surmise that the theme was 'Current and Historical Bastards'. Perhaps it's just me, but no word of a lie the following two are on opposite sides of the room but facing each other and apparently gesturing to each other in a knowing way ....

'I know your past Ratzinger, you served the Hitler Youth with pride'

'Oh, hello Mein Fuhrer - not here you fool, people are listening'

Past and present political fuckwits .....

A shoddy unlifelike representation - though still more lively than I would prefer to see.

Camoron

Oh-bummer

I was Democratically Elected - Again

Cast Iron

With a star-studded cast, this Friday sees the UK release of the highly publicised and lauded film The Iron Lady ...

However there is some disgruntlement and criticism, primarily due to the fact that central to the film is the depiction of Thatcher as a frail old lady suffering from dementia. And I agree - this is wholly unacceptable and wrong.

As any balanced person with any sense of common decency and morality will surely agree, the suggestion that Thatcher is only suffering from poor judgement, confusion and troubling mental imagery in her later years is ridiculous - she was always completely barking mad. You'd have to be to sell off the National Assets and social housing, go to War to win an election, and let's not forget the debacle surrounding the introduction of the Community Charge. etc

I will not be watching the film - I think I would retch at every scene.

Dirty Habit

Back to the Birdfair again today for a stint on the LROS stand. On the way to Rutland Water, I dropped into Eyebrook Res for a quick gander at the Cattle Egret - would have been rude not to. I pulled up by the modest crowd, checked with bins and could see the egret doing what they do best - standing still and looking boring as hell. You can see all of the finer plumage details, and a handy comparison to its common congener Little Egret, in this perfectly captured shot.

Click for a bit bigger if you like, but its still the indistinct white blob on the right.

I scoped it anyway, and it eventually did do something more exciting when it had a bit of a fly about, came down into cattle, hid for five minutes, then flew to the island where it looked boring for another 10 minutes or so, then flew off strongly at 12:05 and disappeared for a good few hours.

When it flew to the island, I had just packed up the scope and started the car to move further down the road when I noticed a full world birding first for me. As I waited to pull off, a car pulled up and a nun in full habit got out grabbing her bins as she did so. I really wanted to get out and grab a shot, but thought it best not to.

I have seen various films that involve nuns on extra curricular activities (mostly involving them doing the most ungodly things with candles), but never once have I seen a twitching nun. Bizarrely though, I have seen a birding monk at Charnwood Lodge. Wonder what my next ecumenical birding encounter will be, Pope with a Scope?

Have I Got News for You

This weeks guest presenter of Have I Got New For You is none other than Labour MP for West Bromwich East, Tom Watson ...

Hello and welcome to Have I Got News For You. Joining balding editor and political satirist Ian Hislop tonight - he's a former PM, close aide and concubine to George W Bush and generally smiley twat - it's Tony Blair.

Hmm - not much chance tonight then.

I-I will of course, in the truest sense possible, guided by my faith, a-and my bulldog-chewing-a-wasp looking wife, and you know, my honest belief, er, try to win.

And on the other team, joining complete buffoon Paul Merton, he's the current PM, close aide and concubine to Barack Obahma, and not very smiley twat - it's David Camoron.

I haven't got a clue what's going on. Is it a fish?

You know, we're all in this together and I know that together we can pull through this, and of course it will be harder for you than it will for me and George, but you know sometimes making things tougher for you is a tough decision but we're tough enough to make that decision and we are with you.

Okay teams - first up it's the odd one out round. Which one of the following is not a lying, disgusting, shameful scumbag with the morals of a pile of dog shit?

Is it red-haired former NOTW editor who was on holiday at the time Rebekah Brooks; or Australian billionaire media bastard Rupert Murdoch; his son and media bastard in the making James Murdoch; or former NOTW editor and Conservative Director of Comms Andrew Coulson?

You know, I-I honestly don't know. I've never met any of them.

Look, I'm responsible for everything my government does. Except recruitment. And deciding who can come to private parties of mine.

The answer of course is that none of them is the odd one out. We know this as we asked this man to check their phones last week ..

Yes, I hacked their phones but I din't know it was illegal cause like I'm just a crap footballer and that.

Fucking shameful the whole thing. Stopping the NOTW presses is not the answer, though I won't miss it. The heads of News Corporation, News International and the NOTW editorial teams responsible for sanctioning the hacking need to be brought to justice - along with the dispicable grabbing bastards selling info from the Met.

Heard the one about the German, the Greek and the Irishman ....

PP - "Stoat, Stoat you say. Shall one fetch one's gun?"

Barman - "No, no you thick Royal twat. It's Stout. It's a drink."

HRH - "Hmmm, yees. I hear it keeps one regular, though a little solid like black bricks. It's been a long while since I had anything stiff in that department .... not since my Annus horribilis"

A little quieter in the garden last night, not helped by the breeze, a little drizzle and a Robin that beat me to it.

Total catch 54 of 29sp.
(125W MV 24 of 16, 80W/11W actinic/compact fluorescent combo 30 of 19)
0017 Common Swift (Hepialus lupulinus) 3
0227 Skin Moth (Monopis laevigella) 1 (NFY)
0409a Argyresthia trifasciata 1
0610 Elachista argentella 1
0647 Brown House Moth (Hofmannophila pseudospretella) 1
0883 Mompha raschkiella 1
0986 Syndemis musculana 1
0998 Light Brown Apple Moth (Epiphyas postvittana) 2
1136 Epinotia immundana 1 (NFY)
1428 Bee Moth (Aphomia sociella) 2
1727 Silver-ground Carpet (Xanthorhoe montanata) 1
1738 Common Carpet (Epirrhoe alternata) 1
1764 Common Marbled Carpet (Chloroclysta truncata) 8
1827 Freyer's Pug (Eupithecia intricata arceuthata) 1
1834 Common Pug (Eupithecia vulgata) 2
1860 Green Pug (Pasiphila rectangulata) 3
1906 Brimstone Moth (Opisthograptis luteolata) 2
1920 Scalloped Hazel (Odontopera bidentata) 3
1937 Willow Beauty (Peribatodes rhomboidaria) 1
1955 Common White Wave (Cabera pusaria) 1 (NFY)
1958 Clouded Silver (Lomographa temerata) 4
1991 Elephant Hawk-moth (Deilephila elpenor) 1 (NFY)
2089 Heart and Dart (Agrotis exclamationis) 5
2092 Shuttle-shaped Dart (Agrotis puta) 1
2160 Bright-line Brown-eye (Lacanobia oleracea) 1
2302 Brown Rustic (Rusina ferruginea) 1
2334 Rustic Shoulder-knot (Apamea sordens) 1
2337x Marbled Minor agg. (Oligia strigilis agg.) 2
2384 Vine's Rustic (Hoplodrina ambigua) 1

Shuttle-shaped Dart

Heart and Dart

Bright-line Brown-eye

How to survive that bloody wedding ...

Today was bad enough in terms of pre-wedding televisual nonsense, but tomorrow is going to be a complete media washout. Here then is your guide to avoiding the whole thing.

1. Do not, at all costs, switch on any radio, television or satellite channels between the hours of 06:00 on Friday 29th until next year. You may well be intent on watching or listening to something interesting, but during the ads or between programmes there will be 60 second news clips about the dress, the hair, the crowds, the guests .. any tiny aspect that has not be wringed of every last drop of hype and bollocks will be rolled out for weeks to come.

2. Do not buy any newspaper. Of course, if you normally buy the Daily Mail you will not be reading this and you will be happily hanging out the bunting, making jugs of Pimms and preparing triangular cucumber sandwiches at this point.

3. Ensure that your i-Pod is fully loaded with at least 30Gb of your favourite aural pleasure. I have pasted a few recommendations further on, or perhaps you will go for some serious French revolutionary stuff. Just ensure that it's fully charged and you have some means of re-charging that does not involve turning on the PC and internet, which will also be afflicted by the nasty 'wedding special' virus.

4. Ensure that your cupboards are fully stocked and car fully loaded with fuel. You cannot risk going to the shops as there will undoubtedly be newspapers on display with wedding bollocks on the front, or TVs for sale showing any channel in the world which will have something on debating whether Kate really was virginal or had secretly played away with Harry whilst Bill was playing with his copter joystick. Or something.

5. You now have two choices: either stay in bed all day with the curtains closed, nothing but the i-Pod on and all windows and doors locked, or go out very early to remoter areas, like ancient woodland or vast moors and heaths, where you are unlikely to encounter random street parties and cooing women wittering on about the dress, the hair, the crowds ......

6. In the unfortunate event that despite your best laid plans you run into crowds or individuals plagued by royal wedding fever, just shut your eyes, stick your fingers in your ears and very loudly shout 'la la la la la la la la la FUCK OFF' until you think they have dispersed in tears. Or fear of their lives.

"I've been dreaming of a time when, the English are sick to death of Labour, and Tory, and spit upon the name Oliver Cromwell, and denounce this Royal line that still salutes him ......."

"So I checked all the registered historical facts, and I was shocked into shame to discover, how I'm the 18th pale decendent, of some old queen or other ......"

"How can you stay, with a fat girl who says would you like to marry me, and if you like you can buy the ring ....."

Really, who gives a flying ......

Up and down the country, thousands upon thousands are no doubt making their plans for 29/04/2011. Travel to London, what hat to wear, what colour, bla bla bla. Well I'm making my plans now - a full day's birding with an overnight mothing session in some remote woodland with no fucking telly. I don't care what the weather is like - I'm not sitting around watching that wedding.

I really don't see what all the fuss about Katie is anyway - it's not like she's new to it.

Her marriage to Peter Andre collapsed due to conflicting opinions on which fake tan product was best.

Of him, they said "lock up your hair products"

More recently she's been stuck like velcro to hairy knob Russell Brand

Of him, they said "lock up your daughters, mothers, grandmothers and goats"

Seen on a secret date out with Big Willie

Of him, they said "lock up your military aircraft and raptors"

For The Craic

Careless Whisper

"Well a lot of people don't like authority, do they, they don't like someone .. that .. that er .. self declares himself as judge, jury and executioner making decisions on their birds. I'm the equivalent of George Micheal in the birding world. His life, erm, the way he's lead his life .. is exactly the same way I've lead my life."

Good News / Bad News

Good news first - Tom McKinney is back on form big time. His second posting to the new multi-contributor BirdingBlogs had me chuckling anyway - see here.

Or here - don't know what the blog host is but the above link doesn't work

Not so great news - Thatcher is recovering - indeed she is 'chirpy'. I was all geared up for one hell of a party ...

UK Welcomes Dictator

I guess I'm not the only one who is bemused that a fundamentalist criminal is afforded the luxury of a State Visit. With a charge list including the proliferation of Aids, paedophilia and oppression of gay rights (not to mention holocaust denial and being a Nazi), this man is no more saintly than the likes of Mugabe, Gaddafi and Bush.

The Pope has denied many things - and being a Nazi is not the most shocking. New revelations have surfaced that link the Vatican to the gangsta rap scene, a genre that largely supports the misogyny, rape and homophobia messages, though the two factions are in talks regarding promiscuity, toting semi-automatics and the use of crack cocaine.

Despite the denials, new footage in circulation shows appearances at huge summer festivals supporting the likes of 50-Cent and G-Unit and blasting out his tirade of Gregorian chants mashed up with N.W.A. lyrics under the guise of "Vat-Icon".

The Pope was also papped as he considered spray-tagging the Western Wall with anti-semitic slogans, though predictably this was also strongly denied by the Papal Office.

Further damning evidence came when in an off-guard Brownian moment, whilst blinged up and showing the eye bags typical of having smoked crack, the Pope forgot that his microphone was still broadcasting as he assured some African children that "you is gonna die from Aids" whilst gesturing to "pop their cap".

X-Factor Killed In Name of Facebook

In a move that has been claimed as "a victory for the independent thinker", American rock act Rage Against The Machine have soared to the top of the UK charts following a campaign on a social networking site, demoting the rightful owner of the coveted Christmas spot to Number Two.

Rage Against The Machine are notorious for their hard-hitting political lyrics and ethos, and their aggressive cross-over rock/rap style with liberal use of expletives. Never ones to tow the corporate line, they first started releasing their vitriolic message through the Epic label (part of CBS Recordings, which in turn became part of the huge billion-dollar Sony Music Corporation) in 1992. Meanwhile their bitter chart-topping rival, Joe McElderry, who was not born when Rage first hit the scene, is a nice boy from South Shields with white teeth.

The campaign on Facebook, a multi-million dollar private internet company, was designed to prevent the X-Factor Winning Song from inevitably achieving the Christmas high-light.

Brian Washed, from Middlesex, speaking on behalf of the 500000 people who downloaded 'Killing In The Name' in support of the campaign, said "This is serious stuff! Me and everyone else who downloaded it from i-Tunes have sent a very clear message to that smug high-waisted twat that we will not pander to the whim of others and just buy stuff that we are told to like. We are free-thinking people who refuse to comply and act like sheep. To be honest the Rage song is a bit shit and not really my taste at all, I prefer lushy ballads and stuff by George Micheal, but I am an individual and refuse to pander to the corporate bastards at Sony".

When asked for his views, Joe said "Well, I canna complain like cos being a Number Two is still good and me Mam is dead proud an that, and anyways that Cheryl is a great shag and I'm just soo happy an over the moon an that". When asked for his view on being Number One in the UK Popular Music charts, guitarist Tom Morrello said "F*** off you fu**ing fu*ker!"


An early shot of Rage Aganist The Machine at a 'Stop Racism and Bigotry' festival.


Simon Cowell (left) shows which thumb put the big smile on Joe's face (right)


Cheryl Cole with a typical corporate lap-dog

Out of Here!

As the reality show based in the jungle wilds of Parliament draws toward the final stages, one of the main contestants starts to crack and faces eviction. Gordon Brown (aka GB, Gordy, Browny, Browny Gordy, Twat) has riled fellow contestants with offensive hand gestures:


"You're a wanker Cameron"

It had all started so well, with GB seeing off one of his main rivals in an early episode:

The Bush-Fucker Trial

More recently though, things have been getting harder to swallow for Gordy:

Talking bollocks is easier than eating them.


Browny explains just how big, round and squidgy the bollocks were.

As the end nears, Browny Gordy has taken to seeking advice from more enlightened fellows:

Tell me how taxation works again Mr (Leicester) Lama?

Despite the setbacks, Twat looks set to stay in the jungle to the bitter end, seeing of fellow contestants on the way:

Cheerio Bone-on