How to survive that bloody wedding ...

Today was bad enough in terms of pre-wedding televisual nonsense, but tomorrow is going to be a complete media washout. Here then is your guide to avoiding the whole thing.

1. Do not, at all costs, switch on any radio, television or satellite channels between the hours of 06:00 on Friday 29th until next year. You may well be intent on watching or listening to something interesting, but during the ads or between programmes there will be 60 second news clips about the dress, the hair, the crowds, the guests .. any tiny aspect that has not be wringed of every last drop of hype and bollocks will be rolled out for weeks to come.

2. Do not buy any newspaper. Of course, if you normally buy the Daily Mail you will not be reading this and you will be happily hanging out the bunting, making jugs of Pimms and preparing triangular cucumber sandwiches at this point.

3. Ensure that your i-Pod is fully loaded with at least 30Gb of your favourite aural pleasure. I have pasted a few recommendations further on, or perhaps you will go for some serious French revolutionary stuff. Just ensure that it's fully charged and you have some means of re-charging that does not involve turning on the PC and internet, which will also be afflicted by the nasty 'wedding special' virus.

4. Ensure that your cupboards are fully stocked and car fully loaded with fuel. You cannot risk going to the shops as there will undoubtedly be newspapers on display with wedding bollocks on the front, or TVs for sale showing any channel in the world which will have something on debating whether Kate really was virginal or had secretly played away with Harry whilst Bill was playing with his copter joystick. Or something.

5. You now have two choices: either stay in bed all day with the curtains closed, nothing but the i-Pod on and all windows and doors locked, or go out very early to remoter areas, like ancient woodland or vast moors and heaths, where you are unlikely to encounter random street parties and cooing women wittering on about the dress, the hair, the crowds ......

6. In the unfortunate event that despite your best laid plans you run into crowds or individuals plagued by royal wedding fever, just shut your eyes, stick your fingers in your ears and very loudly shout 'la la la la la la la la la FUCK OFF' until you think they have dispersed in tears. Or fear of their lives.

"I've been dreaming of a time when, the English are sick to death of Labour, and Tory, and spit upon the name Oliver Cromwell, and denounce this Royal line that still salutes him ......."

"So I checked all the registered historical facts, and I was shocked into shame to discover, how I'm the 18th pale decendent, of some old queen or other ......"

"How can you stay, with a fat girl who says would you like to marry me, and if you like you can buy the ring ....."

Modern Twitching - An Etiquette and Fieldcraft Guide

Venturing into the fray with like-minded twitchers can be a minefield these days. Sometimes literally. The following simple steps will help you to fit in with the crowd and, most importantly, nail that tick.

Before you head out, plan your outfit. It's no good flouncing about in designer labels or day-glo sportswear - make sure you wear subtle colours which blend with the surroundings.

Once in the field, don't waste valuable time simply waiting for the target to put in an appearance - how fucking lame would that be? First-up, get your iPhone or similar loaded with calls (any species) blast that sucker, preferable through a mega-phone.

Be aware of your surroundings, and in particular look for any opportunities to close the gap or trespass - no point looking from afar when a simple bit of effort can get a load of you over any boundary and nearer to that all important +1 in the book.

Don't allow yourself to be disadvantaged by your competitors, and especially by any detractors in the mix. If necessary make your point with a well aimed smack in gob - don't pull any punches - twat that arsehole whinging about 'welfare of the bird' and 'mindless imbeciles'.

If all else fails, get throwing. Bricks, stones, etc. If necessary, grab the nearest competitors scope and lob that aswell. No point in coming away unusure of whether the birds was simply hiding - make sure by forcing the bastard to move!

Once you've scored, don't fuck about simply admiring something that you can see better in a book or on the internet - get on with the business of self-congratulatory back-slapping and photos, preferably with a beer or two.

And then get yourself away at the earliest opportunity and onto the next target ....

This week, I have mostly been listening to ..

The superb 1995 debut release from Leftfield - Leftism. Fecking superb album - 'member, me no talk foolishness me talk truth ...



Release The Pressure (go watch it at YouTube, embedding disabled)



Meanwhile - remember this Fast Show classic?

X-Factor Killed In Name of Facebook

In a move that has been claimed as "a victory for the independent thinker", American rock act Rage Against The Machine have soared to the top of the UK charts following a campaign on a social networking site, demoting the rightful owner of the coveted Christmas spot to Number Two.

Rage Against The Machine are notorious for their hard-hitting political lyrics and ethos, and their aggressive cross-over rock/rap style with liberal use of expletives. Never ones to tow the corporate line, they first started releasing their vitriolic message through the Epic label (part of CBS Recordings, which in turn became part of the huge billion-dollar Sony Music Corporation) in 1992. Meanwhile their bitter chart-topping rival, Joe McElderry, who was not born when Rage first hit the scene, is a nice boy from South Shields with white teeth.

The campaign on Facebook, a multi-million dollar private internet company, was designed to prevent the X-Factor Winning Song from inevitably achieving the Christmas high-light.

Brian Washed, from Middlesex, speaking on behalf of the 500000 people who downloaded 'Killing In The Name' in support of the campaign, said "This is serious stuff! Me and everyone else who downloaded it from i-Tunes have sent a very clear message to that smug high-waisted twat that we will not pander to the whim of others and just buy stuff that we are told to like. We are free-thinking people who refuse to comply and act like sheep. To be honest the Rage song is a bit shit and not really my taste at all, I prefer lushy ballads and stuff by George Micheal, but I am an individual and refuse to pander to the corporate bastards at Sony".

When asked for his views, Joe said "Well, I canna complain like cos being a Number Two is still good and me Mam is dead proud an that, and anyways that Cheryl is a great shag and I'm just soo happy an over the moon an that". When asked for his view on being Number One in the UK Popular Music charts, guitarist Tom Morrello said "F*** off you fu**ing fu*ker!"


An early shot of Rage Aganist The Machine at a 'Stop Racism and Bigotry' festival.


Simon Cowell (left) shows which thumb put the big smile on Joe's face (right)


Cheryl Cole with a typical corporate lap-dog

Out of Here!

As the reality show based in the jungle wilds of Parliament draws toward the final stages, one of the main contestants starts to crack and faces eviction. Gordon Brown (aka GB, Gordy, Browny, Browny Gordy, Twat) has riled fellow contestants with offensive hand gestures:


"You're a wanker Cameron"

It had all started so well, with GB seeing off one of his main rivals in an early episode:

The Bush-Fucker Trial

More recently though, things have been getting harder to swallow for Gordy:

Talking bollocks is easier than eating them.


Browny explains just how big, round and squidgy the bollocks were.

As the end nears, Browny Gordy has taken to seeking advice from more enlightened fellows:

Tell me how taxation works again Mr (Leicester) Lama?

Despite the setbacks, Twat looks set to stay in the jungle to the bitter end, seeing of fellow contestants on the way:

Cheerio Bone-on

This bloke came up to me ...

Swearing - its not big and not clever. Fucking funny though .... ;-)

Five Go Mad in Dorset

Remember this? Best thing ever on Channel Four (it was shown on the opening night in 1982!) - and well worth 30 odd minutes of your time to watch it again now. 'There's been some strange comings and goings around this village - secrets, signs, and - threats' 'Oh Timmy - You're so licky!' 'You'll be alright young missy, with your short skirt and tight sweater - you remind me of my naughty granddaughter'

Sound Advice