The Beach

A couple are lying on a beach, alone in the sultry hot sunshine. They are enjoying a cool beer, savouring the moment in silence but for the relaxing sound of the waves. Suddenly, he whispers "I love you" ...

She looks at him, wistfully, and says "Is that you, or is it the beer talking?"

He looks at her, puzzled, and says "It was me. Talking to the beer."

Big Black Cloud

Volcanic dust - pah - nothing compared to the huge black cloud I've been involved with at work over the last couple of days. Anyway - nothing useful to report so here's a classic old sexist joke and something to listen to:

Naturalist comes home after a very successful expedition to the Amazon. He brings home a new amphibian species that he's called the Fellatio Frog, and gives it to his wife. 'What the hell do you want me to do with that?' says the wife. 'Teach it to cook, then feck off .....'

This was one of the first electro-funk tracks I heard, and given that it was based around the beat from one Kraftwerk track (Numbers) and the hook-line from another (Trans Europe Express) it was naturally favoured. This was just around the same time that a group of us at school loitered around a big ghetto blaster and a roll of lino during the lunch break (not that I ever managed to break dance ...)

Surprise

Right at the end of October, I found a fairly unimpressive green caterpillar after dark feeding on what remained of our lavender. Other than it obviously being a noctuid, I had no idea what species it was and boxed it for a closer look the next day. Next day came and it had abandoned the food plant and spun-up in the kitchen roll, so I thought no more about it. Tonight I happened to notice that a moth had already emerged - that's just less than two weeks, and I can't be certain it didn't emerge earlier in the week. Anyway, it was a Silver Y - a completely unexpected addition to the garden breeding lepidoptera list that I haven't compiled. Reading Porter, it does indicate that the its normal 8-week egg to adult life-cycle can be dramatically compressed when confined indoors. The phone rang, and the lady of the house answered - "Hello, is that Mrs Smith?" "Yes, Mrs Smith speaking, who's calling?" "Mrs Smith, this is Dr Jones from the hospital. I'm afraid I'm calling with some terrible news from your husband's recent exploratory checks" "On no - what's wrong?" "Well, the trouble is Mrs Smith that we have two sets of results for a Mr Smith and we cannot be sure which results are your husband's - but it's not good either way" "Well - what is the news?" "Your husband either has chronic Alzheimer's or Syphilis" "Oh my God - what do we do now?" "We suggest you drive your husband into town this evening and leave him there. If he finds his way home, don't ever sleep with him again!"

Tuesday 20th - Reprieve

The day started badly. First light amongst a hoard of like-minded Little Bittern chasers and we all came away without seeing it. Arse. Then it turned grey and rainy and miserable. Bugger. Then we went to the football to see City play Crystal Palace. The first half was generally poor with another lack-lustre performance from City where they dominated the play and did nothing creative with the ball. Sigh. At half time I was contemplating on what a shite day it had been overall. Thankfully there was a reprieve when City woke up and stuck two goals in with the associated adrenaline rush that always cheers you up. Enough self-pity - here's a classic: One night last week, me and the wife had gone to bed early. I was in the mood for love and started to get passionate when she suddenly said 'I don't feel like it tonight, I just want you to hold me'. I said 'what!?'. She said 'you're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man'. She responded to my puzzled look by saying 'can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'. Realising that nothing was going to happen I shrugged it off and went to sleep. The next day, I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out for a nice lunch and then went shopping in a big expensive department store. I patiently walked around with her whilst she tried on several different designer-labelled outfits. She couldn't decide which one to buy, so I suggested she take them all. She wanted new shoes aswell, so I said 'let's get a new pair for each new outfit'. We went on to the jewellery section where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited, she must have thought I was one sandwich short of a picnic. I thought she might be testing me when she wanted a new watch aswell, but I just said 'yes, that's nice honey'. By now she was almost reaching a state of climax from all the excitement. Eventually, she said 'I think that's it, let's go to the checkout'. I could hardly contain myself when I blurted 'no honey, I don't feel like it'. 'What?!' she said with a baffled face and dropped jaw. I then said 'honey, I just want you to hold this stuff for a while - you're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman'. Then just when she looked like she was about to kill me I said 'can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?' We've not had sex since ....

Plastic Birds, Dead Ducks, Moths, Jokes

Yesterday, after the Shrike twitch, I had a quick look at Staines Reservoir. It was exactly as I remember it - massive with the endless causeway, crap viewing over the south basin and nothing unexpected on the north basin. I did twitch Staines Res once for a Wilson's Phalarope, and I've seen Black Redstart, winter grebes and divers here, but nothing noteworthy yesterday. I then headed the short distance to Virginia Water for some plastic birding and a pleasant walk before hitting the motorways - a bit like calming down in the chillout room during a night out clubbing. There's actually some decent wood around this park if you get away from the dog-walkers and main paths. Jay, Nuthatch, Great Spot, various tits and finches all noted. Plenty of Mandarin about but mostly out of range, though this pair was typically tucked away discretely in an overhanging bough against the near bank.

However, the main reason for going there was to get good close views of Ring-necked Parakeets. I really don't care what anyone else thinks about them - I think they're great. Bright green squawking birds that can be really hard to find when they are quiet (which is rarely!). A few years ago I visited a huge winter roost at Esher Rugby Club of up to 2000 - one of the funniest birding spectacles imaginable. I found a load yesterday eating sweet chestnuts. With the crap light though, and them being high up, all I could get was rubbish shots.

The sweet chestnuts were raining down from trees all around - felt like I needed a hard-hat.

After this interlude, and a quick stop at Staines McDonalds, I hit the M25/M1 return. Five Red Kites seen, only two Common Buzzards. Before going home I thought I'd have a quick look at Swithland Reservoir. Plenty of Gadwall, Shoveler and Tufteds but not a lot else other than the usual gaggle of gulls and geese loitering for hand-outs and a male Peregrine in the usual tree.

One of the Mallards on the causeway road didn't seem too interested in the bread being offered by the visiting blue-rinsers.

The garden traps last night yielded another superb Merveille du Jour - hopefully this will become an annual species to look forward to. Not too many moths overall, but four new species for the year which were a slightly tatty Brick that I didn't photograph, and these:

Juniper Carpet

I usually see this as being the end of the season for garden trapping, but this year I'll keep it going a bit to try and get Figure of Eight, Sprawler and December Moth again.

Dark Chestnut

Yellow-line Quaker

Have a chuckle at these:

A sensitive young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away. He consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note; not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift-wrap offer but unbeknown to Ron the assistant mixed up the two items, so the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers. … Good old Ron sent off his gift-wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.

Darling, I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date. All my love, Ron. P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.


A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of flavoured Polos. He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour. The children began to call them out: "Red............cherry," "Yellow.........lemon," "Green..........lime," "Orange........orange." Finally the professor gave them all new Honey flavoured Polos. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled: "Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes!!"

Larval laugh

Came home from work and whilst pottering about I went to check various boxed larvae to see how they were doing. Found a small box with this in it:



Somehow I don't think Nichola takes my hobbies very seriously!

Here's another blokey joke that is no doubt too puerile for serious comedians: A couple's relationship is on the rocks, so they go to a marriage guidance councillor. He asks them to start off positively by thinking of things they have in common. There follows a long period of uncomfortable silence. Eventually, the husband offers 'well - neither of us gives blow jobs ........'

Spot the moth & bloke joke

Nothing doing over the last couple of days - too busy for one reason or another. Traps are back out tonight, tomorrow will be the home leg of NMN 2009, and Saturday sees us heading south-east for a mothing blitz on Kent. Hopefully that sea parrot will show up again whilst I'm down there. I lieu of anything new, here's a shot of a moth set against a suitable background to show its cryptic side. I usually try to photograph moths so you can see them for obvious reasons, but nice occasionally to show them against something that hides them a bit. Marbled Green- Guineaford, Devon July 2006 Bloke comes home late one night after a beery session with his mates. Badly hungover in the morning, he shambles downstairs to find his wife in the kitchen with one of his socks in a frying pan. Puzzled, he asks 'what on earth are you doing?' His wife replies 'I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came in!' In his confused state, he thinks to himself 'I can't remember asking her to cook my sock' .......

Random roundup

Patch, horse, moth, larvae, bugs, pupae, jokes - was going to be the more descriptive but very long-winded title for this post. A real mixed bag of stuff. After a couple of days getting wound-up at work, I ventured out onto the patch (Route 1) this afternoon to wind down. A charm of c20 Goldfinches was busily feeding on thistle seeds, until about a millisecond before I focused on one, a loud Grey Heron dropped onto the distant pool, a Red-legged Partridge was quietly feeding (the wrong sort, but a partridge nonetheless), and there were tits everywhere. Not a lot else to get excited about, but I was relaxed. As I left via the horse paddocks, one of the stud stallions appeared quite pleased to see me ... Bone of contention But it was evidently busy in a horsey mènage-á-trois with the brown one first and the sandy one next, then the brown one twice, then the sandy one .... Open relationships these days One of the other horses came over to say hello - noticed how uncomfortable being a horse must be .. Irritating to say the least As soon as I got home, I set about catching up on a few of things to photograph from recent days. I had intended to include the Feathered Thorn from yesterday, until it escaped. Arse. Click for bigger as usual. First up is a really smart Black Rustic that I forgot about the other day. I forgot to mention these tiny pug larvae found on angelica at Hazleborough Forest on Tuesday night - think they are Triple-spotted Pug but hopefully I can rear them through to confirm. Also from Hazleborough, there were a fair few Harlequin Ladybirds coming to the sheet - here a four different individuals showing a small fraction of the variation. The Small Tortoiseshell larvae unexpectedly pupated before I had transferred them to a more suitable box. They hadn't bothered to attach themselves to anything - hope they emerge okay from an unsecured position. Here's a shot showing how different a butterfly chrysalis is to a typical moth pupa (the Grey Dagger from a couple of weeks ago). Enough of all this naturalist type stuff, here's some jokes. My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?' 'I was stung by a bee', she said. 'Where', he asked. 'Between the first and second hole', she replied. He nodded knowingly and said 'Then your stance is too wide.'

Headache

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."He entered the shop and told the tailor, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit; it was a perfect fit. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The tailor eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shirt, and again it was a perfect fit. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the tailor asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The tailor said, "Let's see...size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." The tailor shook his head, "You can't wear a 34. A size 34 would press your balls up against your spine and give you a hell of a headache."

McClaren

No surprises then. After the most abyssmal display I've seen for a long while (and bearing in mind I take my lads to a local club for under 6s and under 8s football training on a Monday night) England are managerless. Gerrard was poor, Lampard was shite and the back four appeared to have already paid for a summer holiday in 2008. It's almost second-nature now for English teams or individuals to grasp defeat from the jaws of victory. The only difference between England and Lewis Hamilton is that he is still with McClaren. By the way - what do you call something that is 12inches long and dangles in front of a twat? Steve McClarens tie of course.