Birds, Leps, Observations & Generalities - the images and ramblings of Mark Skevington. Sometimes.

Wednesday, 21 October 2009

Tuesday 20th - Reprieve

The day started badly. First light amongst a hoard of like-minded Little Bittern chasers and we all came away without seeing it. Arse. Then it turned grey and rainy and miserable. Bugger. Then we went to the football to see City play Crystal Palace. The first half was generally poor with another lack-lustre performance from City where they dominated the play and did nothing creative with the ball. Sigh. At half time I was contemplating on what a shite day it had been overall. Thankfully there was a reprieve when City woke up and stuck two goals in with the associated adrenaline rush that always cheers you up. Enough self-pity - here's a classic: One night last week, me and the wife had gone to bed early. I was in the mood for love and started to get passionate when she suddenly said 'I don't feel like it tonight, I just want you to hold me'. I said 'what!?'. She said 'you're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man'. She responded to my puzzled look by saying 'can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'. Realising that nothing was going to happen I shrugged it off and went to sleep. The next day, I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out for a nice lunch and then went shopping in a big expensive department store. I patiently walked around with her whilst she tried on several different designer-labelled outfits. She couldn't decide which one to buy, so I suggested she take them all. She wanted new shoes aswell, so I said 'let's get a new pair for each new outfit'. We went on to the jewellery section where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited, she must have thought I was one sandwich short of a picnic. I thought she might be testing me when she wanted a new watch aswell, but I just said 'yes, that's nice honey'. By now she was almost reaching a state of climax from all the excitement. Eventually, she said 'I think that's it, let's go to the checkout'. I could hardly contain myself when I blurted 'no honey, I don't feel like it'. 'What?!' she said with a baffled face and dropped jaw. I then said 'honey, I just want you to hold this stuff for a while - you're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman'. Then just when she looked like she was about to kill me I said 'can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?' We've not had sex since ....

4 comments:

IanG said...

I've heard it!

A guy wakes up in an ambulance with a sore head, cracked ribs and a golf club wrapped around his neck. The paramedic asks him if he can remember what happened and he says..."well I remember I was playing golf with my wife and she hit her ball into a neighbouring farmers field so I went to help her look for it. We searched for a while when I noticed the ball was caught under a cows tail so I went over to the cow, lifted it's tail up and shouted to the wife 'this looks like yours dear' next thing I remember is waking up in here?"

The Leicester Llama said...

Excellent - that's cheered me up after dipping on that fucking bittern yesterday!

Skev said...

Nice one Ian - I'll relate that to a couple of golfing mates.

thedrunkbirder said...

Glad you beat Colin Wanker and his Palace boys (Sorry, Andy Lawson - always quite liked Palace till you appointed Colin Wanker)