Hello and welcome to Have I Got News For You. Joining balding editor and political satirist Ian Hislop tonight - he's a former PM, close aide and concubine to George W Bush and generally smiley twat - it's Tony Blair.
Hmm - not much chance tonight then.
I-I will of course, in the truest sense possible, guided by my faith, a-and my bulldog-chewing-a-wasp looking wife, and you know, my honest belief, er, try to win.
And on the other team, joining complete buffoon Paul Merton, he's the current PM, close aide and concubine to Barack Obahma, and not very smiley twat - it's David Camoron.
I haven't got a clue what's going on. Is it a fish?
You know, we're all in this together and I know that together we can pull through this, and of course it will be harder for you than it will for me and George, but you know sometimes making things tougher for you is a tough decision but we're tough enough to make that decision and we are with you.
Okay teams - first up it's the odd one out round. Which one of the following is not a lying, disgusting, shameful scumbag with the morals of a pile of dog shit?
Is it red-haired former NOTW editor who was on holiday at the time Rebekah Brooks; or Australian billionaire media bastard Rupert Murdoch; his son and media bastard in the making James Murdoch; or former NOTW editor and Conservative Director of Comms Andrew Coulson?
You know, I-I honestly don't know. I've never met any of them.
Look, I'm responsible for everything my government does. Except recruitment. And deciding who can come to private parties of mine.
The answer of course is that none of them is the odd one out. We know this as we asked this man to check their phones last week ..
Yes, I hacked their phones but I din't know it was illegal cause like I'm just a crap footballer and that.
Fucking shameful the whole thing. Stopping the NOTW presses is not the answer, though I won't miss it. The heads of News Corporation, News International and the NOTW editorial teams responsible for sanctioning the hacking need to be brought to justice - along with the dispicable grabbing bastards selling info from the Met.