Modern Twitching - An Etiquette and Fieldcraft Guide

Venturing into the fray with like-minded twitchers can be a minefield these days. Sometimes literally. The following simple steps will help you to fit in with the crowd and, most importantly, nail that tick.

Before you head out, plan your outfit. It's no good flouncing about in designer labels or day-glo sportswear - make sure you wear subtle colours which blend with the surroundings.

Once in the field, don't waste valuable time simply waiting for the target to put in an appearance - how fucking lame would that be? First-up, get your iPhone or similar loaded with calls (any species) blast that sucker, preferable through a mega-phone.

Be aware of your surroundings, and in particular look for any opportunities to close the gap or trespass - no point looking from afar when a simple bit of effort can get a load of you over any boundary and nearer to that all important +1 in the book.

Don't allow yourself to be disadvantaged by your competitors, and especially by any detractors in the mix. If necessary make your point with a well aimed smack in gob - don't pull any punches - twat that arsehole whinging about 'welfare of the bird' and 'mindless imbeciles'.

If all else fails, get throwing. Bricks, stones, etc. If necessary, grab the nearest competitors scope and lob that aswell. No point in coming away unusure of whether the birds was simply hiding - make sure by forcing the bastard to move!

Once you've scored, don't fuck about simply admiring something that you can see better in a book or on the internet - get on with the business of self-congratulatory back-slapping and photos, preferably with a beer or two.

And then get yourself away at the earliest opportunity and onto the next target ....